It is a common mindset of mine to feel not up to going to the gym. I wake up indecisive and tired, yet I still find myself packing my Nike trainers, GymShark leggings and La Isla sports bra in my favourite Jack Wills sports bag. I find myself coming to the end of a shift at work saying “no, a cup of tea and a packet of crisps sounds like a plan” yet my feet pace the grounds in the direction of the gym.
I find myself envying those in their training clothes when I am stuck elsewhere because in my heart that is where I want to be. At the gym, training to be a stronger person.
It’s never been about being strong physically. Its always been more of a mental journey.
As per usual, I was not feeling up to going to the gym. I was hungry and I had a lot on my mind. Next week I am going full on independence and taking a trip to Scotland before heading South to London. I will need to find my way around a big city, transport myself from one country to the next and make sure I see all I want to see without fearing that I will get lost (I can lose myself inside a cardboard box its that severe!)
Yet the fear of getting lost, isn’t really the fear at all. Its the fear of facing my demons in a way and not feeling like I am strong enough to visit my old “home” in Coventry.
Tonight, I felt by just not having anyone I can turn to about this really hit home, so much that I got so emotional whilst running on the treadmill, but instead of giving up, I pushed myself so hard and I ran and I just didn’t stop. I was so fixated on the feelings that I never looked up at the ever changing numbers on the screen.
“My day one rule is keeping my cool, even if I’m broken up.” – Kat Tiz